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If you are lost and looking to lighten the darkness for the people you love, you are welcome here.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Bipolar Love

     Loving someone with bipolar disorder is a hard love.  You never know who you will come home to at the end of the day.  Life is out of your control.  You can't plan anything because it all depends on the day's cycle.  Life has the highest highs and the lowest lows.  It's all great at first because you feel so alive.  After a while, you just get whiplash and want off the ride.  You never know what new secret will jump out at you when you least expect it.  It is endless bill collectors for bills supposedly paid.   It is hopelessness to help the person you love the most.   It is cleaning up the aftermath.  It is losing the person you once loved.  It is being forgotten.  It is putting aside your own needs for the extreme needs of someone you love.  It is staying up all night on suicide watches.  It is avoiding social situations.  It is loneliness.  It is mental illness.  It is my life.  

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

October Veil

     My son sees ghosts everywhere he goes.  Since he handles everything so well, I forget how hard he struggles with this.  Tonight I came home late from class and saw his eyes rimmed with the redness you get from crying.  When I asked what was wrong, he broke down in tears and told me he hated October because the veil gets so thin.  I didn't understand what he meant, so he explained that the veil separates this world from the dead and in October it is easier for them to come into our world.
     While I was gone tonight, the ghost of his dead gerbil came and sat in his lap.  I held him while he cried and wondered why no one ever teaches you the important stuff in parenting classes.
     I asked him if seeing ghosts is a blessing or a curse.  He answered, "Both.  A blessing because you get to see the people you love.  A curse because I can't stop them from being dead, so it's just like losing them all over again when they leave."
     I love that boy.  My curse is not being able to take away his pain and fix everything for him like I could when he was a baby.  My blessing is having him in my life, even in October when the veil is thin.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Love from I-Pod shuffle

     The music on the shuffle weaves in and out and around my thoughts from today...loss, love, remorse, betrayal.  
      "I have no more to give you..."  When we are out of love and exhausted from holding ourselves together, we can't give anything to anyone else.  Surrounded by people who are barely able to keep themselves together, they can't help the others here trying to hold themselves together.  We need triage.  We need our own interventions.  We need someone to build us back up so we can give it to someone else.  Frustration at their lack of caring doesn't change the fact they have nothing left to give.
     "If anything's worth my love, it's worth the fight...love's the only thing that keeps me here."   Watching you sleep, repairing my psyche from the latest manic attacks.  Why do I stay?  I love the lost boy.  Hope springs eternal.  A cure will come and we will have the future we never had a chance to live.  You are worth the fight...love's the only thing that keeps me here.
     "And though you may not have done anything wrong, will that be a consolation when she's gone?"  I don't want to be right.  You can win the argument I didn't want to have.  When does love stop being enough?
     "Did he hold you the way I did once before?"  Ten years is not enough time to heal my broken heart.  You were the one that I thought would never hurt me.  You were safe.  You were the home I never had.  The ultimate betrayal.  "I don't want to fall in love with you."  I should have listened to my heart when it was still strong enough to protect me.
     "There ain't no point in talkin' when there's nobody listenin', so we just ran away."  Writing keeps me from running away.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fairy Tale Lost

     Tonight I am marking time, waiting for the words that will change me.  All these years marking time, waiting for the fairy tale to get to happily-ever-after.  From the outside, I have it all.  No one knows the cost of illusions. Even this is my own doing.  Working too hard for too many years for too many lost causes.  There is no room in my life for the innocence of children.
      Does it really matter if you cut it or burn it out?  Either way I lose.   Empty.  Barren.  The princess turned wicked witch.

One of us has to be

      Surrounded by people who love me; I am desperately alone.  You are the only one who knows me and you are lost somewhere in the depths of your own dark hell.  Is it my pride or my broken heart that can't bear to pull you out tonight?  Adding your weight to the the world on my shoulders is just more than I can do tonight.
    Tonight I am angry at life...and you...and these tears.  How do I keep ending up here in my own hell?  You promised me a fairy tale and I believed.  I worked so damn hard for that future.
   The darkest moments of my life are always faced alone, my back to the wall.  I am deceptively strong.  One of us has to be. 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Wishing You Loved Me for Just Being Me

     Sometimes I wear this mask of competency so well, I forget it's a mask.  When I try to take it off and do something for myself for a change, it scares you.  I put it back on and continue my daily routine, trying not to resent you, wishing you loved me for just being me.  

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Not Meant to Be

     I have been through this scare before and worried myself sick.  My doctor went out of his way to reassure me that this was just like what happened before, only on a longer time frame.  The ultrasound was only a precaution.  The biopsy was another precaution because the ultrasound results were just barely within normal.
     When the nurse called, she didn't follow my script, and I could not understand what she was saying.  She laid out two plans of attack and asked me if I needed more time to decide what to do.  One option involved a procedure that would need to be redone many times and the other involved a procedure that will fix the problem, but involves infertility.
     I have two healthy children that both struggled to get here.  Mandy suffered from intrauterine growth retardation.  I spent three weeks of bed rest willing the disintegrating placenta to wait for her birth before slipping away completely.  I had my gall bladder removed in my second trimester with Nick.  The last words before surgery were "if anything happens to the embryo during surgery, there is nothing we can do to save it."  When I woke up, no one told me if he was okay.  Instead they handed me the phone.  It was my doctor telling me that my test results were back and the baby probably had Down's Syndrome. I gathered from the call that Nick had survived the surgery.  Those weeks waiting for the genetic tests were devastating with worry for both of us.  When Nick got here, I decided that was enough pushing my luck.  Two healthy children was all I needed in my life.
     Until today.  Even though I wasn't planning on having more kids, there was something about having it decided for me today, permanently, with no chance to come to terms with it gradually through the years.  Tomorrow I will be grateful that it isn't cancer and that my life will go on as before.  Today I cry for my body and miss the babies that are not meant to be.